Depression 20/20

Hi !
Long time no posting !


Nothing much has changed in my life but yet so much.
I'm depressed and suffer with anxiety. i'm a prsioner of my own home and most of my social interaction is online. i hang out with the same people i find toxic for my mental health. some let me down continuesly and cannot see how they mistreat me but wont let me go when i try to leave. Others are overstepping my boundaries and doesn't accept a  no.


i'm tired.
i'm so damn tired and so sleepy because of the venlafaxin im on right now that i want to doze off but i'm stuck at my 9-5 desktop bound job, making my ass flat as pancakes.


Kids dont get on setrallin and if you do, choose krka. Don't cut corners when it comes to medcine and if a preparation is more suitable for you than another, don't push yourself to experiment or change drugs often because the adaption period is around 5 weeks. changing too often is definitely not woth the sideeffects and having patience makes the difference in the whole treatment plan.  Take your time, feel and feel numb if you must. At least youre breathing
At least you want to live



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paaarty

There's an end to everything #burnbridges

- When you go Marie Kondo in your home, recycling and trash disposal turn into eviction real quick.  
Marie Kondo Advises Throwing Out Relatives That No Longer Bring You Joy

Favourite song ATM

Taemin <3

kpop against grief

Update: Kpop is not what it used to be - which is both good and bad iykwim 

Thoughts and recap


As you may already know i'm a person that gets easily sad. Just in general and just out from what i've shared with the world on this blog. If you happen to see what i put on my instagram it's a whole other life i'm living there but here on my blog I strip myself for filters and my use of humor as a coping mechanism.
I've dealt with my fair share of losses and throughout the time i've used kpop as my to go to remedy.
I do not understand korean at all but there's something about the music that i love and maybe that's not understanding them at all. BTS got me through a few losses and what i thought would be my worst heartbreak. Joke's on me, cause in 2018 I had both a loss and a heartbreak in one and one so bad I would cry myself to sleep for months. I lost hold of everything and at one point i lost myself.  My life as it is right now is fine but i'm myself a mess.

 If you know me, you'd know I did not drink so much and barely went out and that I hate crowded places and that I hate to dance. Things changed for better but also for worse because now I go out more frequently, i don't care about crowds and I can twist and twirl but I also drink a lot more.

If you know me, you'd know that I can be social but I rather prefer to keep to myself. In the last year I started to open up to a bunch of strangers which was both liberating but also a mistake from my side. By the end of the year, I kicked most of them to the curb.  Friends shouldn't give you the kind headaches alcohol gives you.

If you know me, you'd know i'm searching for affection and love. Having been in a mentally abusive relationship and told that it was the greatest, has really shifted my views. When you barely know what love is for you, you do not need someone to tell you what it should be for you. I don't want to be told that this or this person really loves me if they don't treat me right and tell me that's because they love me they treat me like that. I don't want that kind of love that hurts me and tries to convince me they did it out of love. I don't want to fear my love.
 What I want is the kind the love that makes me curl up, gives me goosebumps, unable to speak and my legs shaky. I want that kind of love that I can put my trust in and respects me and while being in a relationship atm i'm still looking for that kind of love.
I want a love that tells me I can dress how I want to and wear as much makeup as i want and not tell me that if i'm fondled upon, attacked or harassed it's because of how I look
(why are you even saying this to me, anh?)


By the end of the day i remain here - drunk, lonely and unable to sleep
I will still love, still trust, still grieve and I will still lose. I already have a mortgage on my future.
that's enough by me
Because i have kpop and soju to drown myself with

I miss you

Each and every day
i miss you more

wither

I've fallen for someone..
I know he doesn't like me...
How do I know ?
He told me.

It's messed up i know
But i'm falling deeper
Into my grave
One i've dug

I'm very cold
I don't feel anything
But i feel a lot
for that someone

I'm mad about him
When i barely remember his face
I just want him so bad
But i'm with someone else

3words

I dont care.

You meant a lot to me but you decided to walk out by yourself.
Even if you did not mean to walk out of my life, it ended up that way.
I'm glad it did end
so i no longer care about you

There's something Rob Thomas'ish over this video

When you can relate to so many songs.
Taeyeon - 11:11

we've fallen apart

"Listen
Hard at buildin' trust from a distance
I think we should rule out commitment for now
'Cause we're fallin' apart

Leavin'
You're just doin' that to get even
Don't pick up the pieces, just leave it for now
They keep fallin' apart

Passionate from miles away
Passive with the things you say
Passin' up on my old ways
I can't blame you no, no" 

     Drake - Passionfruit 

23rd

Taylorswift22, IU25, Thanh23


I've reached a decision and that is that i dont want to be 23. Please let me go back to 21!!

My plan today is to finish my exam project, go out and celebrate and break some stuff.
I sharing my birthday-soundtrack for this day and it happened to be this one. For the first time in a long time I feel free. I feel like i'm my own now and that I'm actually have allowed to have an opinion. I don't have to sacrifice myself for another person that won't even appreciate my efforts and i dont have to make time for someone that can't do the same for me. "Thanh the people pleaser" is dead from this day because i'm getting to a point whereas I have nothing left for people that doesn't respect me. Don't mess with me because i'm kind. I rather be alone instead of being together with someone who doesn't know my value. My affection is something you earn and something you can lose as well.

all you are

Blasting this all day is how i'm gonna celebrate my pre-birthday + BTS won at the BMA, Drake won 13 times as well

 you're a stranger to me now

resolutions'17

New year resolutions:

Say no

Care less 

Drink more ✓

Sleep more

Squat more

Eat often

Show cleavage 

Buy less clothing 

Throw stuff out  ✓

Walk more 

Catch more pokémons ✓

Dye more ✓
(perhaps get a piercing?)
Swim
Work smarter
get a new apartment ✓

Hey shorty!

Know what day it is ?

Let me know when it's over

.let me know when i can sleep again

Who are you settling for?

There's not a price i wouldn't pay
anything that could keep you from the door
Nothing i find will make you turn my way
Nothing i give will make you love me more

I know i've embarrassed you far too long
hopelessly i'm with my head on the floor
I pretentiously quote our old love song
Nothing i do will make you love me more

I have nothing, i'm down to a single plea

tell me, are there words to settle the score
for your eyes to once again, only look at me 
Nothing i say will make you love me more

I've wished i could have made you stay
sadly found out being far too poor
because nothing i gave, did or could say
Nothing i am will make you love me more

I'll love you till i'll forget who you are