When good memories haunts you

I found two old diaries of mine and one of them that are dated back to summer 2004, when I visited China for the first time and fell in love with the cute "hamster holding a  four-leaf clove" cover. It was at market in Shanghai that I bought it. It was actually not my first diary, because i have kept diary since i was old enough to know how to write.  The first reason why I kept diary was because my parents wanted to keep an eye on me. They were quite busy with work and felt like they were not there, when i needed them the most. Now it is just funny for me to reminisce every story, every feeling, every smile and all the memories that one small book can contain, but most of all - every single tear that have stained on some of the pages.
I named everyone of them and when i started i would always write:"Hi....."

My first diary, Diddle, was filled up with nightmares: 2001-2003

My second, Hamster, was mostly about my trips overseas:  06/06-2004 - 30/07-2006 

My third, Pucca was mostly about growing up and my friends: 18/09-06 - 06/06-07

My fourth, HA (harajuku angel), was only about my one month (alone)trip to USA: Summer 2010

My sixth, Emiby, is this blog. 

And always on the very first page, I would write my name and my address and only one address, in the first book, is not the same as the others. 

I wished i had showed my parents my first diary. It would might have told them why i have my issues and why I am like I am. I had a disturbing past, a lot of confusion, misunderstandings and hatred that i kept sealed with my smile. I always smiled, I always laughed, I was always quiet. My parents raised us kids right, but they just didn't raise me. In blood I am their daughter but in mind they have never been my parents.

The Diddle,  P 89, L 16:  "....they asked me if I wanted to and I said no. No I don't want to. but now i am here. Why do I have to be with them?...   -------- ...... If I move HE will move with me and HE will hide under my bed and HE will watch me sleep, kiss me on my forehead, telling me good stories....HE WILL BE EVERYWHERE"

- that was my meeting with IT in the form as PENNYWISE .... and now, about 10 years later I'm trying to face my fear by reading the book. I haven't slept well since i started and properly won't.