Monday, March 24, 2014

remembering the point

I know i've been taking my time to make an update (talking about the previous post), but some post just requires more than a few hours and cups of tea to make. I've debating with myself about if it's clever to make such a post, because it's quite personal and what won't people think of me and worst of all - judging my family only because of this. I've had my issues with my parents but i cannot take away the fact, that all they've done for me is out of love and only with thought on my future. Thus this i've been receiving a lot of support  and nevertheless i'm blessed to have so many great friends around me and i couldn't be more thankful.

I forgot to get the point down in the previous post, because it was quite late when i finished it:

- Keep an eye out for one another. 

Any person would say that they were feeling okay, even though they aren't at all. Just remember not to pity neither to judge, because no one needs that. Everybody has their flaws and it comes as a package. One face, one mind, one body and one soul.  Talk without any prejudices and listen with without hesitating and remember to take your time on these topics. When a person opens up to you, let them speak as long as they like. It's already hard enough to get the person to start talking so make it as easy for them as possible. 

Well, not that you get the point - here's a side story. 

About a year ago I told my father about my sickness. He and my mother was forcing my sister to lose weight and she had already lost a lot in no time, but in their opinion, it wasn't enough. I got tired of them pressuring her so much, so i sat down in front of my father and told him what pressure from your loved ones can do to you. I told him what had happened to me. He reacted like i expected. In one hour he went through  all stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression but not really acceptance.
He thought i told him something like that to make him feel bad and i could see the denial in his eyes. He tried to interrupt me a several times and every time i would ask him to let me finish because he needed to hear me out on this. I held his hand, looking him straight in the eyes so he would know i was serious and when i finished he was silent with tears in his eyes. I left him shortly after i finished, because if i stayed like that for just a little longer, i would breakdown as well, telling him that everything is okay and that it is my fault and he had nothing to do with it. I would feed him up with lies so he would feel better.
Since then he hasn't put any pressure on my sister and i'm happy for that, because it doesn't matter what he does to me as long as it doesn't turn to my siblings. I can't really help myself but i do my best to care for my younger siblings.

Next thing to do for me is to tell my mother. I haven't had the talk with her, but i know my dad already told her about our conversation. She acts like she doesn't know, but she's so bad at acting that it becomes overacting - she shows her bluff. I don't really need to tell her, i just need to talk to her, make her understand that she needs to change her view on ideals. She's the most stubborn person i know, but i only have one mother i care about, so i don't need to care or compare with anybody else, like she does. I don't want her to compare her kids with others, like she doesn't want her kids to compare her to other mothers.

I actually don't mind getting asked about eating disorders so feel free to do so if you're curious or need any piece of advice. I can't guarantee anything but i would love to help in any way that i can.