Friday, June 13, 2014

Barely breathing

Lately i've been in my own bubble - my own world, my own mind. I've been forgetting about people around me and that's how it has been for really long time. I just realised today that I've been jumping around, jumping into the lives of others and expected them to take me in. I make everyone to be there for me, but act like others can't get that same treatment from me. My mind is distracted and its out of my hands. It results in me, searching for comfort but not the company and for all that, i'm truly sorry. I'm sorry that i just used somebody as a patch-up for my sorrows, used a person as a hideaway... i've been using everything as a hideaway, since i feel scared being alone. I've been pretending to be someone i'm not and showing no interest in anything, but it wasn't on purpose.  I'm sorry for the hurt i've caused - I did not have any bad intentions. I have just been out of myself lately. I'm lying to myself that i'm fine, but theres a limit to how much the mind can take. I'm sane but just barely...   A month ago i lost my grandfather (fathers father) and he's all i have on my mind. I've been trying to forget, but when you try too hard you won't succeed. I miss him very much and i'm afraid if that i don't think of him, i will forget how he looked like. I miss the way he shakes his leg, the look in his eyes when he craves for either a cake or a smoke and most of all... the way he would say my name. He would not only call me by name, but add "cai" which means "that" to my name.
 "Cai" Thanh Thanh.
 I just really miss him calling for me.