Denial
There's yet so many things I didn't get to say and looking into your eyes just made it harder for me to find words. I can't say how sorry I am for all this time. I thought that this is what I wanted and it never was. I know how it got so wrong between us and I'm sorry for what I've done. I took distance to you, making the real distance seem bigger that it really was. It was just my way to keep you safe from myself because I would ruin you. In my company you would be suffocated. In the end I got to feel that distance myself.
I didn't dare to be depended of anyone because it would make me weak. Problem is that my independence is what that really hurt me in the end. Being independent made me lonely. I searched company from others because I wouldn't worry you or try to take time that wasn't mine to take. I was afraid to ask anything from the person I needed the most. In the end that caused you confusion, frustration and anger.
I pretend a lot and I lie even more. I bruise easily but I don't tell anyone to treat me differently and I'm glad you saw that in me and still didn't act differently. You let me bruise but help heal my wounds and you made me stronger.
I wanted to become a better person for you. To grow up and get rid of all my luggage that pulled me down into something I didn't want to be. In the end I just cried.
I used to be fool and guess I still am, since you said you wanted to cut connections with me.
Actually i was never good to you. I interrupted when you spoke and I was easily distracted and never seemed to care about what you had to say. I always picked bad movies, only told lame jokes and always had my eyes on my phone. Often you ended up talking with Ed, whom tried to cut you out off. Like it cuts everything that makes me happy of.
I always talked about others and my memories with them because I wanted you to grow tired of me and let me down gently, but I hated that I did it. The only thing I wanted to talk about was us and our memories, how much fun we have had and how far we had come.
Now I've fallen, now I've learned it the hard way and now I cannot heal. I don't want to heal.
I can't even listen to Ed Sheeran because it reminds me of you. Of your friggin guitar and your friggin hair. Of that friggin grey pullover and that hoodie I gave you. That way you tie your shoes, that way you cook my eggs, those sound you make when you eat. That way you look at me and that sparkle in your eye every single time we separate like if it was the last. This time it just really was and I couldn't look you in the eye.
You said it will get better. I just hope that I do. But I don't think I can get better without you.
"You don't know what you got till you're missing it a lot"
