Update: Kpop is not what it used to be - which is both good and bad iykwim
Thoughts and recap
As you may already know i'm a person that gets easily sad. Just in general and just out from what i've shared with the world on this blog. If you happen to see what i put on my instagram it's a whole other life i'm living there but here on my blog I strip myself for filters and my use of humor as a coping mechanism.
I've dealt with my fair share of losses and throughout the time i've used kpop as my to go to remedy.
I do not understand korean at all but there's something about the music that i love and maybe that's not understanding them at all. BTS got me through a few losses and what i thought would be my worst heartbreak. Joke's on me, cause in 2018 I had both a loss and a heartbreak in one and one so bad I would cry myself to sleep for months. I lost hold of everything and at one point i lost myself. My life as it is right now is fine but i'm myself a mess.
If you know me, you'd know I did not drink so much and barely went out and that I hate crowded places and that I hate to dance. Things changed for better but also for worse because now I go out more frequently, i don't care about crowds and I can twist and twirl but I also drink a lot more.
If you know me, you'd know that I can be social but I rather prefer to keep to myself. In the last year I started to open up to a bunch of strangers which was both liberating but also a mistake from my side. By the end of the year, I kicked most of them to the curb. Friends shouldn't give you the kind headaches alcohol gives you.
If you know me, you'd know i'm searching for affection and love. Having been in a mentally abusive relationship and told that it was the greatest, has really shifted my views. When you barely know what love is for you, you do not need someone to tell you what it should be for you. I don't want to be told that this or this person really loves me if they don't treat me right and tell me that's because they love me they treat me like that. I don't want that kind of love that hurts me and tries to convince me they did it out of love. I don't want to fear my love.
What I want is the kind the love that makes me curl up, gives me goosebumps, unable to speak and my legs shaky. I want that kind of love that I can put my trust in and respects me and while being in a relationship atm i'm still looking for that kind of love.
I want a love that tells me I can dress how I want to and wear as much makeup as i want and not tell me that if i'm fondled upon, attacked or harassed it's because of how I look
(why are you even saying this to me, anh?)
By the end of the day i remain here - drunk, lonely and unable to sleep
I will still love, still trust, still grieve and I will still lose. I already have a mortgage on my future.
that's enough by me
Because i have kpop and soju to drown myself with
