Sunday, January 12, 2014


I've had countless of crushes and almost all of them were unrequited and believe me, they were all because of looks. I'm not proud to spill it out like that, but that's how it is. My first crush was definitely because of looks! I met him when i was much younger and somehow he happened to be a person i could never forget.  He's the person that could make my heart flutter without any reason..When i saw him, i swear I could curl up inside out of pure embarrassment and wish i could be compressed into an atom, but we never had a single conversation so i had no reason to feel that. Oh well, we did talk once... I couldn't find my phone in my purse (Yeah, we girls can have some big purses) and ask him to use his phone as a flashlight.... But that was it ... I don't really think he remembers.. or knew that that i existed at that time...
 Well, the thing is that after years of liking him, I finally  got in touch with him not too long ago and met him - had a REAL conversation with him.... and he was not as i thought he would be.
It's not meant in a bad way, but liking a person can make you make up their persona without knowing anything about them... I met him a few times more just to confirm for myself that my feelings had changed. I liked this guy for such a long time and in the end I found out that i didn't really like him. I liked my imagination of him more...

My second crush was nothing to scream hurray for either.   I got his contact information after our first meeting and we started to chat for a half year or so. I confessed my feelings for him like any other Japanese manga and i got turned down. Despite that I continued to like him for about 2 years and still met up with him occasionally. He told me he liked tall and fit girls and that kind of gave me hope. Since there was nothing i could do about my height, i just focused o my weight instead. I felt that: where i was lacking, I could gain in another field, and that motivated me to start running... and starve myself. At first i started to eat less and gradually i would only eat lunch... I still wonder how i managed to live through a day. When my family started to eat dinner, i always helped with the preparations and serving and just smelling the food made me full. On the days when i got really hungry by dinner time, i would hit the road for a 5 km run. As a 13 year old I weighed about 52 kg, but after my 2 month "diet" i lost 10 kg, weighing only 42 kg... Just because i wanted to impress a boy....and make my parents proud... Me weighing 42 kg was actually not unhealthy at all, because i was quite short at that time, but losing such a big amount of weight in such a short time period was problematic... and i got really sick afterwards... And he still didn't like me at all... Nothing had changed about him - and i realised out he just didn't like my personality...
All my efforts were useless, but i'm glad that i had a little piece of dignity left in me because for a person I could change my whole appearance but i did not want to change my personality a bit.  I checked in to rehab aka. ma momma's kitchen and gained some weight again afterwards ^^.
When i was back on my feet again and every kind of hope of getting him died inside of me,  i finally  admitted defeat. I told him it and he gave me a kiss on the cheek as a token for my stubbornness...  2 years for nothing more than just a kiss on the cheek -.-..........He played piano so well i actually think i like the fact he could play it more than him..... XD

So what's the point of my post today?

1. Personality has a face -  It come in one body so accept the package or leave it. Looks are not everything.

2. Don't change yourself for another person to acquire their love - your significant other will love you for who you are, but it doesn't mean that there won't be any modifications needed.

3. If you are in the position of being loved but doesn't have the mutual feeling for the other person, tell them the truth - don't let them hang on to you because in the long run, you'll let them face much greater disappointment. Big problems could have been solved when they still were small.

4. Don't use people for your own advantage - Just don't

5. Don't think to much about love - that's just stupid  xD

6. random thing -  Here's a selfie . I've switched from iPhone 4 to samsung galaxy s4 ( i had no idea what i was doing at that time) ^^

Fun fact - my favourite pick-up line: My love for you is like diarrhea ... I just can't hold it within me. 

Update* I remembered another important point:
 If a person really likes you, he/she would do whatever he/she can in order to make your needs met before theirs.