Tuesday, April 7, 2015

I feel it in my fingers...

I've noticed that i adapt to people in such a depth that i take other people's traits and make them my own.  It's like mimicking and i wished it would only be the good traits but as it seems i have started to use words as other does and even copying the same facial expressions. In the whole copycat procces, I have sort of realised that i have begun to be insecure again. Moreover that, i've become afraid of my future and what it holds. Realising that I've lost control over my feeling has made my anxiety level top and i keep on falling deeper in some kind of a hole of confusion and worry. I fear to go out, i rather not talk to people and i'm afraid to open up my heart to anybody. I always tell myself to be open for people by as time passes, i find it harder and harder. I try not to be hard on whoever is coming next in my life but I'm punishing these new faces because of bad memories and that's not fair at all. The worry is eating me up from the inside. I noticed this morning the worry in my eyes and that my smile has started to crook a bit. I talked with myself in the mirror and told the reflection that i'm alright but looking in to my own eyes,  I couldn't even convince myself so how can i convince others?
I had a friend over this weekend and he kept asking me why i looked so dull and sad and it took me by surprise that it was written on my forehead. I tried to put a more cheerful face on by I could feel the invisible duct tape smile giving up. It was so hard looking happy.
  I look so tired these days and I feel like a smartphone battery - always on 10% within hours.  I sleep more but rest less and fine lines are beginning to show around my eyes. I've begun to get dark bags under my eyes and i'm losing more hair than usual. Little by little something is withering, I feel that. I buy flowers to cheer myself up, to give myself some kind of hope for the next day, reminding myself that every flower bloom in their own speed and that i should be patient with myself. I'm rushing and for what, i dont know. I just wish that someone would tell me - or Just slow me down.