Friday, February 12, 2016

There's no good in goodbyes

I've recently been in a very dark place (called England - I'm kidding, I've been really down)  but nevertheless i feel happy now. I barely get any sleep at night but when i wake up, I feel grateful - though with swollen eyes, bags, headache and exhausted but I'm grateful. I guess it is a part of growing up not ever wanting to relax or slow down in fear of missing out on something. I'm stressed in a way that i cannot compare to when i'm stressed with school. This kind of emotional stress is a whole other thing and it has worn me out for some time now.  As a result from it, i've got 3 strands of white hair now.. all of them being in my left eyebrow... One is really white and thick, while one is thinner and the last one is both black and white and also very long.... like 1,2 cm  long.... like eww but still kinda happy that i actually have a sign i can prove of my frustration (besides the dehydration, eye bags and bad posture).
I've puked twice a week since 2016 started and its only been a month so far (good start Thanh) but there has been a lot of downs lately. Unfortunately i'm not a "just gonna cry now  everything will be okay"-person, and I wish really bad that I am.

It's a new year again already, in which I mean it's Chinese New Year. I kinda feel January always is a buffer month and everything really starts in February.

A colleague of mine asked me if i have a "I'm heartbroken"-playlist and in that moment i couldn't not come up with any song than Eamon's "Fuck it". Afterwards i made him a list of both songs and what to do and thought i would share some of them with you. The funny thing is that i can say this to other people, like giving them an advice, but to be honest I never listen to my own advice because they're crap. Like my cousin Hoang Vi would say: "Those who cannot, teach" (try not to cry, roll over, cry even more).

Here's a list of how i've dealt with the stuff that has taking a toll on me. It's a crappy list but it made me get through January.

I tried and failed. Instead i tried to sleep, but that screwed up my sleeping schedule so i ended up having sleepless weeks... so I moved on to the next thing.

 I spent a lot of time with my family in Copenhagen and it has been great! Then 2 weeks ago i had to send my aunt, my cousin Chau and then my grandmother to the airport and that made me feel a little lonely...  Luckily i've spent time with my two cousins Anh and Vi and it helped a lot!
I've also spend time with my friends from Odense, having long phone calls, coffee meetings and shopping trips. Spend time with people that actually appreciates and supports you because they empower you.

Two weeks ago i went to a restaurant for free food because they celebrated their 40 year anniversary. Drinks were free as well so i let myself indulge 4 glasses of wine in less than 1 hour, which to my biggest regret made me become a dragon (read: i puked so much and so loud, my cousin became afraid of me).

 I  highly recommend travelling because it makes you forget "reality" for some time but even though you eventually will have to face your problems someday, it is a nice way to say " nah... i'll deal with it when i go back".

 I've tried to put words on my feelings and it felt great but also it made me think a lot... and then i got sad about the thoughts i began to have... and then i couldn't stop thinking.....Evil circle...

 I found a Philip Lim bag i really wanted and it was on sale with a 40% markdown. Since i work at the same department store, i could get additional 20% off but when i were going to buy it, it was sold out. A few days later,  I found a Balanciagra backpack with marble detail (read: I LOVE MARBLE AS €&#€&#€) and then i went to buy it, I saw the clerk pack it down for the customer in front of me.... I went home afterwards and cried for an hour..... I cried so much my nose started to bleed...

I have a list of  what you can call  "the 7 stages of grief" in the art of music.
And of course a few of them are Korean because they only sing about love. 
And yes, EAMON is featured twice and NO, the songs cannot be played from my blog so you'll need to go to youtube even tough they are embedded on this page.... 

1. Shock or Disbelief

2. Denial

3. Anger

4. Bargaining

4. Isolation/Guilt

5. Depression

7. Acceptance

Last but not least..

I've been working a lot lately, trying to focus on other things and to meet new people. I work at a huge department store and really get to meet a lot of different people.  I guess it has payed off more than just in my salary, since i got offered a job at another place and stuff cheaper than they should be but that's a story i'll save for later ;)
School starts in a second so i don't plan to take up on another part-time job besides what i already have.. And that is being a (DARN GOOD) shoe seller! So for me work works!

Almost a decade ago an old friends of mine had trouble in her relationship and for no reason i was very cold towards her and just told her to move on. Not because of the guy being an idiot or such but because i couldn't stand seeing her being hurt. I kept telling her to "Forgive, forget and delete" hoping that she would get better in time.. Well, now it's my turn to get better.. 

My plans for the coming time is to be better at taking care of myself. If i could pick only one bad thing about myself, is that i'm a bad listener when it comes to the simplest needs of my body. But for quite some time now, i've managed to feel hunger. I know it sounds stupid but i'm utterly proud of myself ! In England, I was constantly hungry, which i rarely am and it is especially odd because i can barely feel hunger when i'm travelling. This time i did and I'm proud!

Oh yes ! Remember to praise yourself from time to time - you're always worth it  ;)

btw. the best breakup song that covers everything is definitely Robbie Williams - Sexed Up!