Thursday, June 21, 2012

What do you expect?

The weather was beautiful and i thought my day would be just as wonderful. 
This morning I went out shopping with my mother and at noon I paid my doctor a visit. For quite a long time now, I have had problems with walking and especially running, because my i have what she would call duck feet. That was only bad news for me.... I would have to get myself some shoes with support in the sole and she recommend me to stop running and instead take short walks and bike, so my feet could get some rest. It doesn't sound like anything, but for me it's really sad, because it means that I can't do what I really like and that is running. After i went to the catholic church to help with the preparations for this month's "youth meeting". This time was the last one before the summer holiday and there were just about 50. It's actually only for 14+ but i had to take Julie and Dennis with me, because my parents were busy and i couldn't leave them home alone. They had a great time anyway ;)
I helped in the kitchen as always and it was fun to be with everyone again ;)
After dessert Visam (kitchen boss) drove René(his younger brother), my siblings, and Uyen(not my cousin :b) home, before he had to head back to help the others. I was going to take bus, but he wouldn't let me, so i git a free ride !
When we got to Uyen's place i followed her to the door with my siblings and then Dennis wanted me to carry (piggyback) him back to the car. Julie started to run and smack me, but then i lost balance and fell forward with Dennis flying over me. He wasn't hurt at all but he cried a little because of the shock. When i came home i found out that i was injured - i got bruised on my right knee, ankle and on both palms.... 

When i greeted my father, he yelled immediately at me - not because that i was clumsy enough to fall, but that my shorts were too short and that i'm not allowed to wear shorts... (well he wants me to wear 3/4 pants... which I HATE BECAUE OF THE AWKWARD LENGTH). I pissed him by swing that it would be the same as wearing long pants and then he told me I would have to wear long pants all summer because he wouldn't tolerate it. Talking about being strict here huh? I said to him that he should be more worried about me instead of my shorts and it was like i had fuel to a fire, because he started to yell and then we started to argue. He told me that i never have worried for him, so why should he.  It surprises me so much that he "defends" himself by turning against me like that. I thought he would be more "man", so he disappoints me. He's supposed to be my farther - a man that i can talk with, supports and guides me and that actually cares for me. Well this guy? - he is like: "if you don't get good grades and dress well, you'll make me ashamed". What happened to "be yourself and happy"? 
Parents should be like:"If they don't like you they don't know what they're missing". 
Mine: "If they don't like you, then shut up and fit in". 
--- I was even sick for over two weeks, I lost my voice, puked morning, evening and before i went to bed. I couldn't barely wake up in the morning, even if i went to bed at six the day before. I couldn't eat and my body was in pain. My teachers could see that I was in a bad condition and told me to go home and rest, but i couldn't. My dad told me that i couldn't afford to skip class, so i stayed until school finished every single day. He didn't notice how bad I felt. Then one day i collapsed and i was just happy that it happened a saturday so i wouldn't miss anything. I slept all day and my father actually came once to check on me - I could hear him from downstairs yelling that i had been lazy all day, but when he came into my room and found me asleep he woke me up. It was only when he saw that my eyes were in tears that  he told me to get some medicine. 

My father uses the word "never" too much and when i pointed it out, he told me that i took it too seriously and then i asked him if it was just as wrong for him to use the word like that, well knowing that he doesn't mean it. So who's right or who's wrong? Well, of course he's right because he's my father, knows best and the man in the house - he surely knows everything. I just think it is lame that he uses that kind of argument to end every discussion that we have, because he simply doesn't want to discuss with me. Actually we don't talk that much. Okay that's actually a lie - We don't talk at all. He doesn't like to hear what i have to say and always tells me that whatever it is that i want to tell him, it's not important and just something stupid. He always says:"It's nonsense". He has told me more than enough that i'm never there, when my family needs my and that i can't do anything to help my family out. I thinks he's right, but yet a part of me thinks that it is delusion that i'm "never there". The fact is that he has not been there for me when i needed him the most and i told him that. He started to count how many times he had picked me up and that was like 4 times. Since i started high school in august 2010, he had only pick me up from a friend/party 4 times! And he even complains about it ?! Even before that I have never asked him to drive me anywhere. School, friends, parties, events, doctors, dentist or anything else -  I had done it by myself.  

Father. (Or should i even call him that ?) I know that you care for me, but you make me think that you care more about your image than me.  I know you have a lot of expectations for me, but I don't expect anything from you. I stopped a long time ago. I don't trust you at all. 
And mother ? - the same goes to you. I stopped calling you "pretty mother" since I turned 18. I actually don't think you are pretty at all - it just kept me going on and believe that you actually were a beautiful person. 
-  We can pretend that we are happy and all that, but you, my parents, know that it's not true. I'm not the only one who thinks that, because I didn't report you.