Tuesday, December 9, 2014

you can look me in my eyes and see I ain't myself

I've been more closed about my eating disorder since i admitted myself in to therapy. To be honest, I hate talking about it. People that know me, tend to describe me as a person who will never shut up, but when it comes to this i rather keep it for myself. I used to not be ashamed but lately the table had tuned and that's not in my favour because it makes me insecure. Not about my looks or body image but the whole fact as getting marked as a "emotionally unstable person". I rather not tell people that i go to therapy sessions because then I would have to dig deeper in why i have to, when i'm asked why.     I can't blame anyone for being judgemental because i am quite a lot myself and also i do not ask people to put themselves in my shoes or understand my feelings because I find it complicated and wouldn't ask for that. If I would ask for anything I would only ask the people i have most dear in my life to just accept my problem as it is and the fact that it is mine alone. I hate to feel that people treat me differently because they know what i'm going through and i don't need the pity.
Some might ask why do i open up, if it's not a cry for attention, so let me be clear here - I do not need to be noticed and especially not for my eating disorder. I came out with it to let others know that they're not alone with having problems and many feel it's pathetic to have a problem. Especially it's not something you talk about in my culture. Small or big - it's still somewhat a taboo to talk about in general already.

I know there are people i can count on and for that i'm thankful but even if i'm told I'm not a burden, i cannot help than feel like anything else.  I feel more safe to know it in the back of my head, but i hate to be a burden but i don't feel burdened by other peoples burden. Okay, sometimes I do.... But other times I forget my own problems because i feel that others' are bigger than mine. It both makes me want to help others and it makes me feel better about myself but that's just temporary.      I haven't found a solution yet and i don't think i really need one. I've been so deep buried in problems that i'm really not minding it so much anymore. I'm too used to it and solutions are not always the answer that you want even though it's right.
I know what makes me happy on the short run but I don't know what would make me on the long run.  I've got no recipe, no idea and absolutely no clue of what it takes to make me happy and i'm kinda satisfied of where i am at the moment. Some things need to get fixes though and i'm working on it with myself and i take my time.
I used to think that if i succeeded in my studies, got a good degree, got a good job, found myself a loving husband i would fall in love with, marry and have kids while still having a successful career and have 6 weeks of paid vacation each year would be my "To be happy"- future plan.
To be honest, I don't really believe it would make me happy at all when i fulfilled them all.  Some of it would, I guess, but then again i have no clue because i haven't tried it yet.  They say that you've got to be happy to know what makes you sad and vice versa and therefore there's nothing wrong with trying and taking small steps or rushing with no thought into something. People should do what they feel for..... And right now I'm feeling hungry for some Pho and tired of being my own roadblock.

- Knowing you're going through some shit, name a person that isn’t.